Five minutes ago, you’ve called me and said that you won’t come home tonight. “I’m sorry, but I’ve just got left by the train,” and I know you don’t. There’s never a night train in Anaheim especially when it was Thursday. You’ve never got left by a train. You’ve never even hops in one, I was the one who did. You’d always get yourself a yellow taxi which smelled so much like a fresh served coffee instead.
Many has been trapped inside my head lately and it scares me enough to say that it was all about you. I have never been truly honest with myself, now that you won’t come home, I just did. You weren’t here and suddenly I don’t have to be worried to get naked all by myself. All alone in my head.
Why on earth would I think about you before I remember that I’m the one who let you paint yourself there. The worst case is that I forgot when do I let you to. You were every paintings to the abandoned museum inside my head while I was a color-blind. I can never paint you, but I do remember that your favorite color is blue. I’ve never really thought that I missed you so much until I’ve wrote you another prose tonight. For once again, it was all about you.
I haven’t drink my before-I-go-to-bed milk because I hate to say that I can never count how much sugar I’d need. I haven’t even finish the book you’ve told me to read since last week nor listen to the songs you’ve created in the tape recorder. We haven’t done lots of things together, but why do I feel like we wouldn’t?
There’s something different about your side of the bed tonight and I can’t name any. Why can’t I name any? My mind goes achingly numb and luckily I’m about to sleep. But this sleep, this one sleep. It feels like I’m about to get myself down into the great war instead of getting lost in the midst of an unknown.
Maybe it’s just take a little more time until you’ll be back here in my arms, doesn’t it?
October 5th, 2023.
Drunken nights, haunted ceiling, and the smell of your hair begins to diminish on our pillows. Since there’s no way you would say that you miss me, so I did. I love you, I’m sorry.
